TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of put. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: present everyone a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he need to quit using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You recognize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD may have transform-down support."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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